mama, im tired.

hope you never find this btw :)

mama, I'm tired

I've been trying so hard to hold on but I'm getting exhausted. I've got a family. not so healthy, but I've got one. I've got a roof over my head, food thrice a day. but I live ungratefully, wanting to die all the time. I'm not suicidal, I convince myself everyday.

but i'm growing sick and tired of it. can i rest now, mama? i've been holding on for so long for you. i can't leave you yet. i can't leave you. i'm responsible. i gotta be a good daughter. so i should hold on. but mama, i'm really tired. my limbs feel like they're gonna fall off. my head is splitting. but applying a balm would mean letting you know that it hurts, and you'll be worried. so i leave it untreated, and it gets worse. that's how everything has been.

i'm trying, mama. i'm trying to live. but it really hurts inside and outside. i feel like i'm already dying. i dont know if I should hope for my death or not. for i can't leave in peace when you're still here. who'll be there to take care of you, to make you laugh if im gone? you say you miss me if i forget to call you during my lunch breaks. then how much will you miss me if im gone forever? mama, i want to rest too.

how long can i sit here and do nothing? you won't let me speak in front of them. i can't speak against anyone. even talking to you has become complicated. broken vases can't withstand water. you don't have the capacity to hold me anymore. you're broken yourself. i can't ask you for help, to ask you to listen to my own struggles, to cry about it while you hug me. you don't hug me unless you need my shoulder to cry on. mama, can't you lend me your shoulder, too? i want to cry too.

i want to cry out loud and scream too. but im not allowed to do so. im still a child you say. then why do I feel so responsible? i feel responsible for everything. maybe if i hadn't been born, maybe if i never existed, would it have been different, mama?

do you remember the last time i cried in front of you? i cant even cry anymore, mama. tears refuse to come out of my eyes. its like they're refusing to give me even the little relief of letting out what's inside of me. i can't hold on for long, mama. can you let me go, mama?

i've been writing the same everywhere. 'let me go' i write, every single time. in my blog, my notebook, any surface I see, i write it again and again. i've no idea who the question is directed to. i just want to leave and it feels like someone is holding onto the hem of my dress, not letting me go. im not sure who it is, but i feel like its you. you're not letting me go. you're not even ready for me to leave if i were to get married. so how will you ever be able to let me go forever, if death comes to me? mama, can you try for me please?

im really tired of living this way, mama. its been too many years. i've been living with this pain in my body and mind for years. im ungrateful and selfish, im aware. so many people suffer a miserable and horrible life, not knowing when they'll be killed. but im alright. people care about me. people love me.

but what about me? i loathe myself. i hate every inch of my being for simply breathing. does it not matter what i think about myself? should i simply ignore this urge to simply disappear? how can I? teach me, mama.

i feel so helpless. i can't do anything for you. i can't save you. i can't even save myself. so what am i to do with my pathetic self? im tired, mama. im exhausted. i want to try to find a way to leave this hatred behind so i can love you whole. i want to take care of you and always make sure you're happy. im trying, mama. i'll keep trying. please, just let me rest for a bit. i'll be back to being the perfect daughter you deserve after i try and fix myself. i'll be back so bear with me. im sorry, mama. please try to understand. im sorry.

you don't know any of this because i’ll never tell ya. i need you to always be happy so i cant let you see my dirty scars and filthy insides. i hope i never do anything to make you hate me. please, always love me, mama.

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im completely fine btw

this ain't concerning, and im really okay

so you don't have to worry at all

have a cookie 🍪

i love ya

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the no punctuation is killing me alive btw i will NOT be doing this again, im just too exhausted to fix it im sorry